On the day before the day most people declare loving everything and everyone. I am not loving at all. Not loving my hair as I sit here detangling a week long two strand. Not loving the processed meal I just nuked. Not loving my neighbors playing that load ass music. Not loving the fact that just got paid, yet I am already broke.
But really. I am not loving, not loving that fact that for the past few years have been, and excuse ,my language. No, on second thought, I will be frank; I’m not loving the fact that I have been dicked over by life.
I am one of the lovable, but not forever lovable ones.
I am the one sitting at the table alone after an, oh I can’t make it text. I am the I will call you when no one else picks up chic. I am the oh yeah, by the way it is 2 days before Christmas and I know you came to the office alone, but sorry to tell you you have MS chic. I am the one who can’t get ahead because I owe student loans I took out for the purpose of getting ahead (no parent paid tuition or scholarships here). I am the one who is always there to help only to see others come up and succeed and become too “busy” for me and me being me, I tell them congratufreakinlations.
I am the one who everyone wants to lean on for emotional support or advice, but the one who has no one to vent to but this damn blog, lol. I am the one who went to the gym today with one shoe and one sock, funny huh. Ok, this you can laugh at, really. It was funny trying to play it off once I got dressed and quickly left the gym heading home with my work shoes on and sweats. I am the one who negotiated a great deal to get into a sure to be packed new and expecting mom expo ( I am in marketing) knowing full well that I will be fighting back tears the entire time because I desire now more than ever what can’t have, a child/family, damn ovaries. DAMMIT!
I am the one who will not hear I love you or even have a good day from the only one I will ever completely love. I hate that I love so hard. Life was hard but beautiful when he and I were we. I am the one who has had the life drained out of my by my first friend, my mom, only for her to now decide after I am damn near forty that she wants to move back closer to home to care for her mom, now I can have my own life huh. I wish her well in whatever she chooses, she drives me up a wall, but I love her.
I am the one sitting here at 11:30 writing a blog.
In case you haven’t figured it out, I am not LOVE, but boy do I want it.